I spoke to Eli on Thursday, and I'm authorized to come to practice again. But I don't know that I will. Seeing Eli hurts too much, because he reminds me of her. The feeling ranges from a suffocating, chest-crushing agony to a small twinge in my throat that makes me swallow convulsively, but it's terribly unpleasant either way.

And at the same time, the caveman in me wants to break his face. I want to breathe radioactive fire and crush Provo under my feet. He's in my place, dammit--nevermind that it's his by right and I was the usurper. My instincts don't care about rights or covenants! Like any good caveman, I won that spot by being a better man than him, and it's my territory he's trespassing on now.

I've got one-itis in the worst way, and I have no desire to do the one sovereign remedy for it (finding ten other girls). This emotional mess is miserable, and going to ARMA will very likely bring it to the surface every time.

I've been a jumble of emotion these last few weeks, not just understanding different perspectives, but actually adopting them as my own for days at a time. I've felt variously horrified and proud and ashamed of what happened.

But I think I've finally determined what I truly feel--and it's the same thing I felt the first few days. I'm very sorry for the upheaval that we caused, for the pain and anguish Eli has experienced. But I don't regret a moment of the pleasure I experienced, that we both shared. We do what we do for many reasons, but one of the primaries is for the women. I'm going to post the commentary of one of the ASF guys, since it crystallizes my thoughts pretty well (although he judges Eli more harshly than I would):

* * * * *

I decided a few months ago that I didn't have enough female friends and needed to work on that. One of my prime candidates was my best friend's wife. She's at least a HB 8, awesome personality, and has a lot of hot friends. Once upon a time she hated me, but after a few years of being her husband's friend, she'd grown to tolerate me.

Observation: If she hated you, that means she had a strong reaction to you. Those reactions can be reprogrammed, as you learned. Indifference is a lot harder to work with.

So I started paying more attention to her--not running game, but just talking to her and flirting a bit and so forth. The problem might have been that my game is mostly based on David D^»» and Carlos Xuma (I didn't even realize there was much else out there until I read -The Game-), and things like alpha behavior isn't something I know how to turn off. I mostly adopted the bratty little sister frame, generally my default when dealing with women in everyday life, and she ate it up. Before long, I started getting IOIs. At first, I assumed that that wasn't a problem--I assumed that women always gave IOIs to guys they were friendly with (not a lot of experience being friends with women I wasn't dating). But the IOIs got more and more frequent and obvious.

OK, let's start here.

YOU HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING WRONG.

You've behaved like a Man toward her, and she's responded like a Woman toward you.

THIS IS NORMAL HUMAN BEHAVIOR.

A few words about her husband. He's my best friend and I love the guy, but in all honesty, he's a complete AFC. He stumbled on a couple solid techniques when he was younger and fancied himself a player for a while, before meeting her and "tricking her" (his words) into marrying him. That was 4  years
> ago. He's not typically very alpha, and he's one of those guys who assumes that women are impossible to understand. I think I AMOGed him without even trying.

Pretty close. He behaves like a drone. You behave like a Man. Guess what a Woman would rather have?

Note: I'm capitalizing the terms Man and Woman to emphasize the mental and emotional differences, as opposed to the strictly genetic and biological ones.

This kind of response is hardwired into female biology and neurology, backed up by millions of years of evolution. Or, if you don't like the E-word, preferring the Creationist viewpoint, then it is even easier. God built her like that. He wired those responses into her brain and her biology. He INTENDED for her to respond that way to a Man, and she is just behaving the way He designed her to behave. So what's your problem?

So she's giving me all kinds of IOIs. After a few weeks, she's doing things like showing up where I work when I get off and wanting to hang out until her husband gets out of classes. -She- started kino escalation with me, making strong EC and touching me and even up to holding hands. He was oblivious to all of this, of course--he didn't see it even when he was standing right in front of us. Personally, I love kino of all kinds, but in this case I decided things were getting out of hand--this was a married woman. But nothing I did to reverse things worked. I tried some version of LJBF, but she just took it like I was playing hard to get and pursued me more. I tried to AMOG -myself- by explaining a lot of concepts and principles of attraction, but instead of taking away my game, it ended up as a DHV--she though it  was awesome that not only could I play the game, but I knew -all- the rules and was in control of what she felt. Then I tried to act like a nice guy wuss, listening to her problems and being polite and such, but instead of killing attraction it just built rapport. Pretty soon, she was giving me the DDB look whenever she thought her husband couldn't see, and spending as much time with me as she could (including going with her husband whenever he and I were going to meet up for something).

Here is one of your sources of confusion. There is NO SUCH THING as a "married woman". Rather, there are women who happen to be married. She is going to respond like a Woman, regardless of whether she is married or not.

Note something else. If she in fact was getting the emotional support she needed from her husband, from her marriage, none of what you describe would ever have happened, or at least not escalated the way it did.

It all came to a head a couple weeks ago, when I stayed at his house too late and didn't feel like driving home, so I crashed on his couch. She and I were both taking prescription narcotics for different reasons. I woke up in the middle of the night to find her sitting on the couch next to me nudging me. My reaction was to pull her into my lap, and we spent the next 3 or 4 hours (until after dawn) in a severe makeout session. If you're using the DiCarlo escalation ladder, we peaked at a 10. I didn't f-close, because that's totally not my game--not with a married woman, ever. I wouldn't have even kissed her without the drugs.

Dude, the drugs did not make her decision to climb out of bed and sit down next to you. SHE made that decision. The drugs MAY have adjusted her threshold. Far more likely, they gave her, at some level, an excuse to do what she wanted to do, and had wanted to do for a long time. You are not responsible for her decision to crawl into your arms.

And NO Man worthy of the name Man is going to refuse to hug a woman who needs it and is open to it. That's Basic Humanity 101, universal across all cultures.

She wanted to be held, not by her husband, but by you. She wanted to be kissed, not by her husband, but by you.

Alternatively, it may have been that she was in a state where she wanted to be held, and kissed, by someone, ANYONE. If that was the case, then their marriage is finished, dead, kaput, and she is in a VERY bad mental place. Under those circumstances, being with you, on their couch, is arguably the BEST decision she could have made, and would have remained so even if you HAD f-closed her.

The next morning everything was back to normal between us, but the damage was done. I told him a few days later (I know, but he -is- my best friend) and he flipped out.

If there is a place in all this saga where you well and truly dicked the dog, this is it. What happened between you and her was, and should have remained, STRICTLY between you and her. He DIDN'T know she was making out with you on the couch. (Or maybe he did, but was willing to pretend it didn't happen, until you refused to let him keep the illusion.)

Many years ago, a girl I knew was having a rough time with her husband. At one point, she didn't go home with him. He was absolutely convinced she'd gone home with me. (She hadn't.) After several days of real strangeness, as it sunk in to him just how close he'd really come to losing his wife to this fat loser student, his attitude did a complete turnaround. He was apologizing to ME, trying to patch things up with ME. Meanwhile, she was almost beside herself LAUGHING, as she told me just how jealous he was of ME, because he thought we'd been together. I eventually told her, "Look, tell him if he REALLY wants a reason to be jealous of me, I'd be happy to provide one." It was a joke, she knew it, I knew it, we all laughed, things settled down and we all went back to being friends. (Note for the record: If she'd called my bluff on it, she'd have discovered I wasn't bluffing even one little bit. She was an absolutely wonderful woman, and there were a LOT of guys in Austin at that time, myself included, who'd have happily set up whatever kind of relationship she wanted, and counted themselves fortunate to do so.)

I may as well have laid her, based on his reaction. Long story short, at the moment he never wants to see me again--and definitely never wants me to see his wife again.

Give him the first part of his wish. The second part is between you and her and not subject to his dictate.

Put it another way: If she calls you, and asks to see you and talk this out, are you going to turn her down? Or are you going to offer to meet her?

Incidentally, he confronted his wife in the middle of his crazy time, and she was so hysterical afterwards that I told her to come over. I intended to only calm her down, but one thing lead to another and we had another hours-long session. After he forbade us from seeing each other again, she tried to keep talking to me secretly for another week, until he found out (and blamed me, of course).

Here is where you have to answer the question: What do YOU want out of this?

At this point, under the circumstances, salvaging the friendship with your best friend is probably out of the question. If she remains married to him, he is constantly going to be reminded of what he sees as your betrayal. At the same time, she is constantly going to be reminded of what he sees as HER betrayal. Meanwhile, she is going to remember that you were there for her when he wasn't. Given all that you have said, I am not optimistic about their long-term odds of success.

If she divorces him, regardless of whether she then goes with you, he is going to blame you for it. And he is going to blame her for it. And he may blame the doctors who put her on the drugs. The one person he will never blame is the one person who IS responsible, responsible for neglecting her needs, desires, feelings, to the point that she was even ABLE to notice a friendly flirtation from another man, and respond to it.

Read "Scoring With Married Women", by Mark "Dirk Diggler" Cunningham. Pay very careful attention to the part where he points out that women who are FULFILLED in their marriage are utterly immune to this sort of thing.

Personally, divorcing him and moving in with you might be the best thing for everyone involved. He will be devastated, but a few well-chosen remarks by counselors might get him to see that he didn't pay attention to her and you did. Meanwhile, you both know that there is a very strong attraction between you, AND you both know that the attraction has, at its core, a strong FRIENDSHIP, and, no matter what anyone says, that is damned important in any kind of relationship.

So that's the story. My questions are two:

1 - How the hell did I screw this up so badly? What's the right way to go about making female friends? I did a search and so forth, and found no advice on this.

You didn't screw it up. The only way you could have prevented what happened was to have never crashed on their couch in the first place.

The right way to go about making female friends is to do exactly what you did, and understand that sometimes you are going to wind up with more than just "friendship". If you and the woman respond to each other, and it is clear that you both did, then Things Can Happen.

2 - Why is it -never- this easy when dealing with single women? She was eating out of my hand with almost no conscious effort on my part.

It is probably because you never did it this way with single women.

When you were meeting her, talking with her, aiming at just being friends, how many SINGLE, conveniently AVAILABLE women were you treating the same way? I've got the traditional One Dollar bet that says the number was and still is ZERO. Because you treated her as a friend, you were not attached to the outcome, and everything was free to go where it wanted, as opposed to where YOU wanted it to go.

* * * * *

And to answer AnotherFreeChamp's question, we had actually just gotten to where she was introducing me to her friends when this all went down. The only reason it didn't happen sooner is that there was some kind of miscommunication and she thought I didn't -want- to meet her friends. At this stage, I don't think I'm going to be dating any of them soon.

You might be surprised. The way you frame it, if anyone asks, is as follows: You're unhappy about the upheaval in her life. You are not sorry for the joy you shared.

The other thing to keep in mind is that things like this happen ALL THE TIME.

I'm not going to rehash everything that happened. Instead, I'll just post some of the other accounts that I've previously written. Tonight I feel a strong masochistic streak, so I'm going to walk down a stretch of memory lane covered in spikes and broken glass. From the archives:

Post on mASF:

I decided a few months ago that I didn't have enough female friends and needed to work on that. One of my prime candidates was my best friend's wife. She's at least a HB 8, awesome personality, and has a lot of hot friends. Once upon a time she hated me, but after a few years of being her husband's friend, she'd grown to tolerate me.

So I started paying more attention to her--not running game, but just talking to her and flirting a bit and so forth. The problem might have been that my game is mostly based on David D^»» and Carlos Xuma (I didn't even realize there was much else out there until I read -The Game-), and things like alpha behavior isn't something I know how to turn off. I mostly adopted the bratty little sister frame, generally my default when dealing with women in everyday life, and she ate it up. Before long, I started getting IOIs. At first, I assumed that that wasn't a problem--I assumed that women always gave IOIs to guys they were friendly with (not a lot of experience being friends with women I wasn't dating). But the IOIs got more and more frequent and obvious.

A few words about her husband. He's my best friend and I love the guy, but in all honesty, he's a complete AFC. He stumbled on a couple solid techniques when he was younger and fancied himself a player for a while, before meeting her and "tricking her" (his words) into marrying him. That was 4 years ago. He's not typically very alpha, and he's one of those guys who assumes that women are impossible to understand. I think I AMOGed him without even trying.

So she's giving me all kinds of IOIs. After a few weeks, she's doing things like showing up where I work when I get off and wanting to hang out until her husband gets out of classes. -She- started kino escalation with me, making strong EC and touching me and even up to holding hands. He was oblivious to all of this, of course--he didn't see it even when he was standing right in front of us. Personally, I love kino of all kinds, but in this case I decided things were getting out of hand--this was a married woman. But nothing I did to reverse things worked. I tried some version of LJBF, but she just took it like I was playing hard to get and pursued me more. I tried to AMOG -myself- by explaining a lot of concepts and principles of attraction, but instead of taking away my game, it ended up as a DHV--she though it was awesome that not only could I play the game, but I knew -all- the rules and was in control of what she felt. Then I tried to act like a nice guy wuss, listening to her problems and being polite and such, but instead of killing attraction it just built rapport. Pretty soon, she was giving me the DDB look whenever she thought her husband couldn't see, and spending as much time with me as she could (including going with her husband whenever he and I were going to meet up for something).

It all came to a head a couple weeks ago, when I stayed at his house too late and didn't feel like driving home, so I crashed on his couch. She and I were both taking prescription narcotics for different reasons. I woke up in the middle of the night to find her sitting on the couch next to me nudging me. My reaction was to pull her into my lap, and we spent the next 3 or 4 hours (until after dawn) in a severe makeout session. If you're using the DiCarlo Escalation Ladder, we peaked at an 10. I didn't f-close, because that's totally not my game--not with a married woman, ever. I wouldn't have even kissed her without the drugs.

The next morning everything was back to normal between us, but the damage was done. I told him a few days later (I know, but he -is- my best friend) and he flipped out. I may as well have laid her, based on his reaction. Long story short, at the moment he never wants to see me again--and definitely never wants me to see his wife again. Incidentally, he confronted his wife in the middle of his crazy time, and she was so hysterical afterwards that I told her to come over. I intended to only calm her down, but one thing lead to another and we had another hours-long session. After he forbade us from seeing each other again, she tried to keep talking to me secretly for another week, until he found out (and blamed me, of course).

I've been thinking about what I told you on Friday, and I'm fairly sure that I gave you some wrong impressions about what exactly happened between Ashley and myself. I thought that by avoiding details it would make it easier for you, but that was a terrible idea. So I'm going to detail below everything that I can remember from that night. I don't know if that will make it better or worse for you, but I sincerely hope for the former. However hard this email is for me to write, it's a thousand times harder for you to read, so I'm going to do my best here.

 - It started when I woke up that night to find Ashley sitting on the love-sack next to me, leaning over me. I think I told you that she was laying on me, but the more I think about it, I don't think that that's what happened. It's all extremely hazy, but I think that she was leaning over me nudging me. As I told you before, I responded by picking her up and adjusting both of us into a comfortable cuddling position.
 - For the first while, we sat there and talked about random things--I don't really remember what the exact thread was, since I was still very out-of-it at this point. We cuddled a lot, and I caressed her arms and shoulders a bit.
 - She told me that she wanted to kiss me, and that she shouldn't, and that she had no idea why she wanted to. I told her that she definitely shouldn't. This is ironic, because later on in the evening it would be me trying to kiss her and her holding me back.
 - I started to come out of the percocet first, and to realize that what was going on was a bad idea, and that we shouldn't be doing it. I said that I was going to send her to bed, but before she went, we needed to lay out some rules to keep it from happening in the future. She was still drugged, but agreed that I was probably right.
 - That topic was soon forgotten, though, and we went back to cuddling and talking about things. I honestly don't remember the exact sequence, but I know we talked about relationships and romance, about sex, about your marriage and how important it is to Ashley, and about growing up and "backstory". We agreed that even had we met five years ago, before she ever knew you, it wouldn't have worked out because we're not compatible the way you two are. I explained a lot of relationship theory and psychology to her, and she talked about why your marriage was so good. I told her that I didn't love her, and she agreed that she didn't love me. She said that you would always have her whole heart, and I was just a fun distraction (as she was for me).
 - After a while, my drug rush was replaced by a different sort of high, and I threw caution to the wind and started running serious game on her. As I told you before, I never ran game on her intentionally up to this point. But now I decided that I wanted to kiss her, completely forgetting the fact that the woman I was with was my best friend's wife and not an available woman. To that end, I used all of my arts on her. I smelled her neck and face slowly and deliberately, I hovered an inch from her mouth while whispering endearments and other such things, I ran my lips across her cheek and circled her mouth to tease her, I danced my fingertips across her face and neck. I whispered to her how it was too dark to see her face, but how I didn't need my eyes to know how beautiful she was, because my other senses were just as useful (and I demonstrated as I explained this, telling her how beautiful her voice was, smelling her neck and face, running fingertips across her lips, kissing her cheek in imitation of taste). I kissed the pulse of her neck and gave her several tiny kisses on her cheek. The pressure was enormous, but she remained strong through it all and insisted that she couldn't kiss me because her marriage was too important to her. That was a line that she would never cross, and no matter how much I turned it up, she was adamant.
 - I kept the pressure on, and pretty soon it turned into a game of who could turn the other person on (using words alone). When she told me that she wanted me, it was the result of this game and despite what Christopher thinks, it wasn't a confession of anything but that I had succeeded in making her want to kiss me. I kept the heat turned on a bit, asking her questions that I shouldn't have ("You want me? How much?" "Do I turn you on?" "Do you like it?"). But in spite of that, she still refused to kiss me, and I decided to swallow my disappointment and accept it.
 - At this point we returned to the topic of rules. Ashley now began to come down from her own percocet high, and was starting to realize what we had been doing and feeling terrible because of it. I reassured her that it was my fault and not hers, and that no lines had been crossed that were damning for either of us. We agreed that the only person who she would share the lovesack with from then on would be you, and that we'd stop any behavior that would make you uncomfortable were you to see us doing it. These rules seemed to be sufficient to curtail any unacceptable activity.
 - At this point it was getting light out, and Ashley wanted to go in to bed with you. I was so comfortable that I didn't want either of us to move, so I kept her there a bit longer (she liked my dominance enough that she didn't resist much). We cuddled more and I teased her, but the heavy moments were long over.
 - Ashley was still worrying, and said that she should tell you what happened. I insisted that I was the man and it wasn't her fault that I drove her to this. I had to be the one to tell you. She didn't like the idea, but I was adamant, so she accepted it.

Nothing not mentioned in this list happened between us. It's not a pretty list, and I know that we crossed a line in doing this. There is nothing good about this situation, but it occurs to me that in one point it could be much worse--we never took things to a physical level, and we never developed an emotional bond. I know that I trespassed on your territory, and that I betrayed your trust, but Ashley kept her head about her even while drugged and refused to do anything that she thought would jeopardize your relationship. I'm no longer worthy of your trust and friendship, but she most certainly is.

And that's the truth as completely as I can tell it to you, my promise to God.

I'd prefer to do this over the phone, since email is so cold and emotionless, but it seems you don't want to talk to me (which is, I suppose, understandable). Christopher tells me that you guessed what happened Friday; whether or not he broke confidence and told you is irrelevant at this point. It had to come out sooner or later--I just assumed that it would be later, after you'd come to terms with the whole situation.

After we parted company on Friday, I sprinted home, plugged my dead phone in, and called Ashley to let her know that I had told you and you seemed to take it well. She went to look for you, and called me up fifteen minutes later so hysterical that I couldn't understand more than a few words. I was very worried, and told her to come see me immediately; she thought it was a bad idea, but I insisted (I was afraid that she'd get in a wreck if she tried to drive very far). It occurred to me as well that it was a bad idea, but I didn't know how else to handle it--call me old fashioned, but when a woman is in trouble, my first and only instinct is to help and protect her. She arrived and I was waiting in the doorway. I held her until she stopped crying, and then got her to tell me what happened. Cursing myself for miscalculating your reaction so extremely, I comforted her as best I could and tried to tell her that it would all be alright even as she despaired that a divorce was in the cards. After a while, she calmed down and we talked about things, especially what she should do. That was when we first reached the conclusion that the best course of action would have been for us both to be there when you were told, and for her to do the talking. I made some food and she called her sister for counsel. We also talked to Christopher (second time that day for me), and he agreed to call you.

This was the absolute last minute in which I should have sent her home, but I let my worry overcome my common sense. I believe it was after this that your message about not coming home arrived, and Ashley went into another emotional tailspin. For the second time, I coaxed her into my arms and calmed her down. Unfortunately, this time things didn't stop there. Ashley can give you a detailed account of what happened if you want it, so I'll give you the short version (you don't want to hear it from me anyways): Everything that happened Wednesday night happened again. Still no kissing or anything physically inappropriate--Ashley saw to that. Afterwards, we hung around a while longer until Christopher called us each separately (believing us to be separate) to let us know what was going on. Then I walked her to her car and saw her off.

This is the reason behind the 5-foot rule, you see. I don't want it to ever happen again, and neither does Ashley. I know that we're both deeply ashamed and penitent about it. But we did it again, after we knew it was wrong. And if I were to hold her again, I honestly can't promise that it wouldn't occur a third time. So I never will, not as long as I live. Sometimes the only way to overcome temptation is to deny it battle, and that is what I resolved to do Saturday morning when I awoke. As with before, I'm quite willing to shoulder as much of the blame for this occurrence as you'll let me--I instigated it, and I'm responsible.

You're doubtless very annoyed by my apparent inability to follow the noninteraction rule this week. I'm sorry. Harmless or not, written communication will stop as per your request. I offer no defense, but only a brief explanation. I reached with Ashley a level of mental and emotional intimacy that I had never experienced before--never even imagined possible. Denied her company now, I've felt worse than if I had lost a love interest. Unfortunately for me, my "breakup recovery plan" centered around calling the two of you up and arranging to do something. So I was suddenly plunged into this loss without a way to cope, and that made it much worse for me. I'm doing better now, though, and will continue to make my own way until such time as you feel comfortable hanging out with me again (without Ashley, I imagine).

Just, take care of her. If I have any right to ask anything of you, that's my only request. As I told Christopher earlier, much can be said about her culpability and so forth, but don't let her carry her burden alone. Please. It's not my place to help her anymore, but it is yours, if you will.

The events of the past few days are so confusing that I need to put them on paper, and yet, I would never write about them here if it weren't completely anonymous. So Mark (and anyone else who might know the real identity of Jaerom Darkwind), stop reading. This is the story of how I seduced my best friend's wife, and possibly of how I destroyed my best friends' marriage.

My interest in the Venusian arts is not a secret. I started studying them seriously a few months ago, and my primary motivation in doing so was one of self-improvement. I am autistic, and therefore seriously deficient in the basic social skills. I've learned a lot of tricks over the years to compensate for this, but in spite of this I've been perpetually at a severe disadvantage. Social dynamics and human psychology are the key to overcoming this handicap and learning to act normal--and they offer not just normality, but extraordinary success in social situations. So I devoured the material, and now I can honestly say that very little that happens in male-female interactions is confusing to me. As a result of this study, I began to shape my self into an attractive, powerful man.
My best friend is Eli, and his wife is Ashley. As I began making changes to my personality, she took notice. Once upon a time she hated my guts, but now she began to warm to me. The elements of my personality that I was finally expressing properly were every bit as attractive as the experts promised they would be--and she got a much bigger dose than most women around me. She began feeling things--raw attraction, mostly--that she never expected to feel with a man other than her husband. For my part, as she warmed to me I decided to use her as a sounding board for random techniques I encountered. Again, she ate them all up. I had been skeptical as to how effective they could be, but all my doubts were blown away. Because she was "safe", I felt like I could be as flirty as I wanted without consequences. For her part, Ashley loved the attention and felt that because I was "safe" there was no risk of anything bad happening. Boy were we wrong.

More later...

Date:	2007-05-28 22:45
Subject:	Inner Game Stuff
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

So over the last few weeks I have been studying a lot of Dr Paul Dobranskey's Mind OS system, mostly as he has adapted it for inner game work. If you haven't heard of it, Mind OS is his "unification theory" of psychology. The whole thing is compact and powerful, but in particular I've been fascinated by his discussion of the four temperaments, or psychological archetypes, of late.

Crossing the cognitive function spectrum (education - experience) and the emotional energy spectrum (well-being/anxiety - confidence/anger), he arrives at four quadrants which represent these temperaments. They are termed King, Warrior, Magician, and Lover, but he invites users to apply their own terminology if it helps them understand (I prefer Priest, Warrior, Mage, and Rogue :P ). Anyway, I fall under the archetype of the King, which is described in the briefest terms thusly:

The King Temperament is Left-brained and more nurturing emotionally, more full of well-being than confidence. Kings of old might lead, strategize, and dispense wisdom, but not be the first to run into battle or create art.

Date:	2007-05-20 23:48
Subject:	The Power of Autism
Security:	Public
Mood:	devious

I often describe my autism as a "superpower", or as my mutant power, or something else along those lines. This tends to befuddle people, who can't seem to get from symptoms like obsessive/compulsive behavior patterns and an inability to read nonverbal communication to anything beneficial. However, the past few weeks have reminded me of the true power of my gifts.

For one thing, I have a very effective logical capacity, and can process and integrate new ideas very quickly. But even more important than that is that I don't take anything external for granted. I recognize completely that my ability to read situations and experience the world is rather limited. Because of this, I never assume that my reading of a situation is the right one. If you point out an alternate interpretation that makes more sense, my paradigm will shift instantly to align with yours.

This flexibility might seem like a weakness at first glance, but in fact it is the opposite. Most people keep their social paradigm--their "frame", to use the neuro-linguistic programming term--behind the locked door of their subconscious and never even realize it's there. But my circumstances force my frame out into the open, where I can look at it and monitor it. And best of all, where I can tinker with it.

As anyone who reads my anonymous and secret Livejournal blog knows, for the past few weeks I've been devouring everything I can get about social dynamics, both behavioral and evolutionary psychology, body language, attraction, and related topics. Not the crappy 80s-era material written by academics who can't even deal with each other, let alone real people, and not crappy New Agey stuff that is utterly disconnected from reality. I mean cutting edge stuff that wasn't even on the radar ten years ago, stuff that actually works and cuts to the heart of what is going on in social situations. I call this the Venusian Arts, forming as they do the perfect counterpart to the Martial Arts--they're the other half of being an alpha man.

Now, most men who are exposed to this stuff for the first time have to go through a painful period of transition where they slowly convince themselves that everything they knew was bass-ackwards wrong, and that it's actually true and can actually work for them. But not me--I'm autistic. For me, it's just like flipping a switch. "Oh, that's how that works. Great, I'll do that." We're not incapable of acting like normal people, you see--we're just really bad at figuring it out ourselves. If I have someone to teach me how to behave, I pick it up like lightning.

After only a few weeks of study, I feel like I've freed my mind from the Matrix. I watch people interact, and it's like I can read the code--I know exactly what's going on on many levels. I see how average, frustrated chumps broadcast all of their insecurities and psychological issues before they even open their mouths, and I even feel sorry for the women who have to deal with them--it makes me sick sometimes. I see the lie behind every guy's complaint about how women are crazy or don't make sense. They make perfect sense when you understand their frame and you read their entire communication. It's only if you assume that they think like men and that the only thing they're saying is what's coming out of their mouths that you'll be confused. It's seriously like stepping into a different world.

At the moment I need to do more field work, but now I feel confident that before too long I'll be able to take this understanding and apply it effortlessly, play these situations like a video game. They're seriously that simple--if you have the right frame.

I'm going to study this game and improve until I can honestly say that I could have any woman I want. When I'm unwilling to settle for whatever comes my way--when the very idea of limiting myself to the girls on my work crew, in my classes, and in my ward (as I used to do) seems pathetic--then I'll be ready to look for a wife and choose the right one.

Date:	2007-05-07 19:57
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	flirty

On a warm summers evenin', on a train bound for nowhere,
I met up with a gambler; we were both too tired to sleep.
So we took turns a-starin' out the window at the darkness
'Til boredom overtook us, and he began to speak.

He said, "Son, I've made my life a-readin' peoples faces,
And knowin' what their cards were by the way they held their eyes.
So if you don't mind me sayin', I can see you're out of aces.
For a taste of your whiskey I'll give you some advice."

So I handed him my bottle, and he drank down my last swallow.
Then he bummed a cigarette and asked me for a light.
And the night got deathly quiet, and his face lost all expression,
Said, "If you're gonna play the game, boy, ya gotta learn to play it right.

"You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
Know when to walk away, know when to run.
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table--
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.

"Now every gambler knows [that] the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' what to throw away and knowing what to keep,
'Cause every hand's a winner, and every hand's a loser,
And the best you can hope for is to die in your sleep."

So when he'd finished speakin', he turned back towards the window,
Crushed out his cigarette, and faded off to sleep.
And somewhere in the darkness, the gambler he broke even,
But in his final words I found an ace that I could keep.

"You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
Know when to walk away, know when to run.
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table--
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
Know when to walk away, know when to run.
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table--
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.

Okay, so I haven't written an entry in several weeks now. Honestly, I've been distracted. After I broke up with Allison last month, I went online and ended up browsing David DeAngelo's site. I took advantage of his unconditional 30-day free trial to purchase three of his programs: Approaching Women, Deep Inner Game, and Sexual Communication. I probably should have tried to pick up his Advanced Series and his Cocky Comedy series at the same time, in retrospect. While each of these programs costs a few hundred bucks, I made copies and sent them all back. I do intend to buy them, but not until I have enough money to do that and pay for food and rent.

I encountered the seduction community two years ago, but only browsed it occasionally. When I got these products, it finally hooked me for good. I went on Limewire and began downloading whatever else I could get (I just acquired Shareaza, and am doing the same with a wider net now). The Approaching Women series offered one turning point--it opened my eyes to the possibilities. Any guy really can get any woman, if he knows the game. The Interview series also fulfilled the measure of its creation by proving conclusively that its not just a select group who can do this, but a wide variety of personality types and backgrounds. Reading Style's book The Game was a third turning point, charting as it does his transformation from an AFC with no more advantages than I have--albeit different ones--into the greatest PUA in the world (okay, his human name is Neil Strauss, but I prefer using his PUA name for the sake of consistency).

I can't begin to put on paper right now all of the sudden insights that have begun appearing in my head. Psychology, social dynamics, personal growth stuff, and many other areas. It's like I'm starting to see the Matrix--I look at situations and I can read the code and tell you exactly what people are thinking and why they're doing what they do. I can tell you why some people are successful ,and tell you what other people do to screw up relationships. And this includes me. I screwed up with Allison for the first time on our first date. I was applying what little I knew of social technique quite well, up until the point where she kissed me. Did I want to be kissed? Duh. But I should have pulled back after the first kiss and teased her for hitting on me. That wasn't a misstep so much as a missed opportunity, but after we left the library I should have teased her when she tried to DTR me and refused to give her a direct answer. If I decided to be serious, I should have done so by laying down my three rules of a relationship and locking in my frame. Instead of either of these good responses, I acted beta and gave her the assurances she wanted. The following Monday, I should have definitely made her work for the kiss. The reason she didn't feel attraction for me was because I wasn't acting alpha leading up to the kiss or during it. Wednesday was the last straw, though. If I'd played my cards right on Friday and Monday, Wednesday wouldn't have happened at all. But when Wednesday came, with all of her no-kissing BS, I should have K-closed her right there. I believe now that she really wanted me to, and I failed her. I had one final chance on Friday, but again I failed to act Alpha, I failed to maintain control of the situation, and I didn't K-close even though it would have been so easy (knowing what I know now)--it might have been as easy as leaning in and when she said "no lips" shushing her with a finger on her lips and going for the kiss anyways. After all, women want action just as much as men do, but the difference is that they want it to seem like a happy accident--something spontaneous, or rather something that they can tell themselves and their friends was spontaneous and unforseen. After Friday, it was all downhill and the break was inevitable, because all of the attraction built up on the first date was squandered. Now that I see this, I'm never going to let it happen again

For now, I leave you with the words of Kenny Rodgers' The Gambler. It's full of great advice on life. I might analyze it in my next entry. Also in my next entry: the continuing drama of Stew and Kris and my reluctant involvement in it.

Date:	2007-04-08 12:24
Subject:	After Action Review
Security:	Public
Mood:	pensive

Well, I haven't posted in several days and stuff has happened regarding Allison that I won't go into detail over. I saw her on Monday and there was more mixed signals. I was up in Salt Lake on Tuesday so there was no communication then, but I did talk to Christopher and he suggested the same thing that I was already thinking, that we have a make-or-break talk, preferably as soon as possible. I was thinking Wednesday night, after our date when I was walking her home; Allie preempted me and suggested we go for a walk in the afternoon. She began to express her grievances (which seemed petty to me, like "I don't like it when people get angry", though I listened more or less sympathetically), I countered with mine, and after some discussion it became clear that we were through. I made a half-hearted effort to salvage things, and pretty much told her straight what I was about and that at some point she would have to choose whether she wants a man or some submissive boy who will never challenge her. Ultimately, she chose the boy. She wanted to still be friends, but that's not something I'm interested in. She allowed the possibility that sometime in the future we might hook up again, but that's not even worth thinking about. It's over, and I'm going to move on.

This is my After Action Review.

Objectives:
 - Refine Alpha approach to relationships.
 - Find out is Allison is marriageable material.
 - Have fun.

Sustains:
 - I made pretty good use of Alpha behavior.
 - My conversation and flirting skills are coming along; I did better as far as Cocky & Funny goes.
 - I was not clingy or needy, as in certain past relationships.
 - I accepted advice from others and recognized that their perspectives on the relationship were valuable.
 - I ended the relationship fast instead of hanging on for months trying to fix something that was completely FUBARed.
 - I had a lot of fun along the way.

Improves:
 - I need to be more consistent in my Alpha behavior. I wavered back and forth between Alpha and Beta, which doubtless conveyed mixed signals to Allison and in turn fed her own confusing behaviors. It also gave her too much control at some times, which made her upset when I tried to take it back at others.
 - I should have laid down my rules up front--1) it's gotta be fun for me; 2) there's gotta be communication, because I can't address problems that I don't know about; and 3) there's gotta be respect for me and for my property. This should have happened on the first date, when she wanted to talk about what the make-out session meant, but deifinitely by the first "talk" the following Wednesday. Doing so would probably have avoided a lot of the later problems.
 - I shouldn't ask permission when I want to do something, as with Wednesday last week. That allows for a negative response, which will then count against me if I decide to go anyway. If we're dating, I shouldn't have to ask to pop by and say hi (for example).
 - I should not lose my temper the way I did. When I get mad, I need to be more controlled and calculated with it. "Raging on the inside and calm on the outside", as Miyamoto Musashi phrased it. Getting angry about the military slur was justified, but my actions because of it were improper.
 - I shouldn't have tolerated it when she talked about past boyfriends--when she's with me I should insist that she be with me (exceptions can be made, but that should be the norm).
 - I shouldn't have wasted so much time trying to sort through her mixed signals. As Carlos Xuma said "Stop trying to interpret what she wants for her. You can't MAKE a person want you. If she really wanted you, she wouldn't be holding herself back. She'd be in your arms and in your bed." Whether or not Allison really wanted me, I need a woman who already knows what she wants and can recognize that I'm it.

Positive Results:
 - I had my first French kiss, which skill I look forward to refining in future relationships.
 - I saw first-hand the power of Alpha confidence in a relationship.
 - I developed further my understanding of what sort of woman I want to find.
 - I am now completely sure that I'm over Kris.

Last Word: Allison was the right woman at the wrong time. She has most of the qualities necessary to be a worthy wife for me, but she's currently at a place where she's incapable of having a successful relationship with anyone. She needs to mature more, and I can't help her with that. There are thousands more amazing girls here in Provo, and I don't have time to date them all, so it's best I move on.

Date:	2007-03-31 23:38
Subject:	Agony
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated

Poetry silent, 11:20--plenty late.
Tied up in my own quiet, too long, too long to have to wait.
Do I know her? Not anymore, she's someone else's tonight;
Sweet, shinin' beautiful in someone else's arms tonight.

Time told its secret--that she'd move on, that'd she'd be free,
Taken away from this deception of livin', livin' in love with me.
Wrapped up like a package, it was oh so nice, nice--
She and me, and the To Be. Instead of feelin' sorry, I feel sick tonight,
But this change is for the better, she'll move on, find better weather.

Nine minutes past the time that went by, went by too fast
Too good to be true, too wrong, so wrong, to let it last
Do I know her? Not anymore, she's someone else's tonight;
Sweet, shinin' beautiful in someone else's arms.

This weekend Christopher, Allison's high school boyfriend from Oregon, is in town. On a rational level, I know that his arrival here is one of the best things that could happen to me. Should she think to weigh me against him in her mind, it won't be against some idealization of him made perfect through the lens of fond memory, but rather against a very real person who can't possibly compete with me. While it may be true in principle that very few men can hope to best with me ; ) , I met the lad on Friday briefly, and I know that he isn't even a competitor. He has a scraggly beard and long, unkempt hair; he slouches and doesn't make eye contact with anyone--even when I shook his hand. I tried to make small talk with him, and aside from answers to direct questions he didn't say a thing. I went into it expecting to like the kid, since Allison obviously likes him and she generally has good taste, but the boy's a wuss, a complete beta male. I have no doubt now that he kisses her ass, and the only reason she' was ever with him is because she doesn't know what a real man is like.

To make the comparison even easier, I just hung out with her on Wednesday night. At the time, I didn't know that the young sire was coming out, but in retrospect my timing was perfect. I just knew that I wanted to see her, so after various obstacles were put in my way, I just went for it. I brought a watermelon that we were supposed to eat on our date that night (which she postponed pleading a lot of school work), and went dressed to the T. I'll admit that a big motivator in my dressing up that day was to be seen by her (the other motivator being that I just like dressing up)--everyone at Table were all compliments, but the one person whose compliments I wanted to hear wasn't there. Anyway, I showed up at her house once in the afternoon and she was asleep and couldn't see me. I was about to call it quits, but realized that I shouldn't let a little thing like that stop me, not when I was feeling lonely and wanted to see someone who made me laugh. So I decided to let her get some work done and then stop by later that night to give her a well-deserved break from it. She was, by her own later admission, angry for a minute or two, but after that attraction worked its magic and she warmed up to me. We ended up sitting around for two hours talking about things. I didn't have my Alpha going perfectly, but I think I did good enough, and made the right impression. We parted on great terms, though I was dying to kiss her before I left. So she has a very clear image of me and what I'm about and how she reacts to me (which I think scares her a tiny bit) to weigh against wuss-boy from back home. On a rational level, I know that the only way I could ever lose in such a comparison is if I screw up somehow, or if Allison is crazier than I think.

But I'm not feeling rational right now. There's a guy out there who has his grubby hands on a woman who should be mine, and is probably sampling lips that I've been waiting to kiss for weeks now (pretty much ever since that first encounter). He's in my place, and has no right to be there. A boy has somehow made himself into my biggest rival for a woman's affection, despite not being worth of my attention or hers. Even as my mind preaches calm patience and knowledge of certain victory, something very primitive and very masculine in my heart is seething and protesting. Calm patience is not possible when my territory is being violated. Sure victory is not good enough when the contest itself is demeaning and a waste of my time. I should be holding Allison right now, should be cradling her in my arms and tasting her kiss. I'm not ready to talk about love yet (I'm not entirely sure I'm even competent to recognize the emotion), but the attraction between us is undeniable. She wants me, but fights her own feelings; I want her, and see no reason to fight mine--indeed, watching her fight hers is kind of amusing. But now this boy, cloaked in her nostalgia and sheltered by her yearnings for home, has the audacity to try to insert himself between us. This child who isn't a even a member of God's church, let along a worthy priesthood holder who can offer Allison what she deserves.

Honestly, I revel in this. The whole reason I get into relationships is to feel emotions more intense than normal life can ever offer. I make no effort to reign them in, for emotions are what make life worth living. But this rage-frustration-jealousy feeling is rather new to me. I mean, I suppose I've felt it before, in the old days when I used to pine after women like a wuss, but never like this. Seeing another guy with Allison is like... I don't even know. If I came home and found some guy sleeping in my bed, or reading my books, or floryshing with my sword, I wouldn't feel like this. It's amazing. I was actually contemplating physical violence yesterday (as noble retribution for some grievous crime, but still...).

I think it's time. Next week (maybe Tuesday) I'm going to have a talk with Allison. Set the terms of our relationship solidly. In the past, she's been the one doing the talking--she, who isn't sure what she wants--and I've smiled and played along, but the time for games is over now. I'll post again when I've got a basic skeleton for what I want to say worked out. In closing:

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!

Date:	2007-03-24 21:01
Subject:	Of movies and spending entirely too much time at friends' houses
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired

See, told ya. :D

So, two Fridays ago was my birthday. I went and saw 300, which was an excellent movie, but one that I won't get into in this post. My review of it can be found elsewhere, and perhaps I'll record it here as well at some point. Arriving at the cinema, there was a minor crisis in that apparently my Fandango ticket purchase didn't process, and with the show sold out (as was inevitable) I was left without any way of seeing it. We discussed several strategies for getting me in without a ticket, but with a second ticket agent standing at the doors of the theatre, none of them would have worked. So Eli decided to be a hero and give up his ticket, and after a moment's hesitation, I accepted gratefully. Fortunately, after buying a ticket for Ghostrider, he saw that they had stopped checking tickets at the door, and found a seat near us to see the movie. All in all, the movie group consisted of myself, Eli, Christopher, Buzz, and Buzzy's girlfriend Alice.

Afterwards, we headed over to Christopher's house for the after-party. Mark and Maru showed up to join in the festivities, and there was much talking and making of jokes. After a while, Stew made what has become his habitual Cramer-style entrance, which startled pretty much everyone except me (as usual). We all of us had cake and ice cream, and sat around and talked for a long time. After Mark and Maru left, I went over the story of my date with Allison. I couldn't do it while he was there, because many things Mark is, but discreet is not one of them. No one else in the group had ever met her, but the last thing I wanted was for Mark to show up to Table Monday and make some kind of comment that hurt her feelings or made her think that I was the type to boast to my friends about such things. All I was really interested in was advice, and I got a lot of it. Buzzy and guest left some time around 10:30, and Mark and Maru some time before 1:00. Stew stayed until about 2:00, but he had to go sleep so he could wake up for work at 5:30 or some junk. Around 4:00 Eli and I realized that we weren't getting any sleep that night. Ashley called him around 6:30 to ask where he was, after she woke up and realized he never came home. We finally left around 9:00. Yes, 9:00 AM.

Needless to say, much was discussed, though as Decoy would later point out, it was pretty much eight hours of talking about sex. Sex in the abstract sense, sex in the theoretical sense (as in, the principles underlying technique), relationships in general, women in general, my current relationship situations, my date with Allie in particular (which Christopher would describe as me seeking eventual sex), the sex lives and habits of people not present, Stew's current self-destructive relationship habits (by which I mean the fact that he wants to date Kris), etc. And just to be clear, there was no -graphic- discussion of anything--such things were merely hinted at or otherwise talked-around and past. We're not perverts. Still, discussion was a lot less cryptic than it usually is when unmarried people are present--lack of sleep is kind of like alcohol when it comes to suppressing inhibitions. They blithely discussed things at length that they usually would have only spoken of when I wasn't paying attention (and responded "we'll tell you when you're older" if I asked what they were talking about). It was quite educational, though they didn't break much new ground in their advice. I know that my first time with my wife, I need to take it slow--very, very slow--and that even then, it's going to hurt her. I know that as a man it's my job to see to her satisfaction first, and to make it as painless as possible the first time and as pleasant as possible every time. And so forth. All in all, it was an entertaining twelve hours.

Christopher fell asleep around 7:00, but Eli, Melissa and I stayed up the whole time (okay, I dozed off around 8ish for maybe half an hour). Eli and I went on to do a full ARMA training session at the usual time that day. I intended to go to bed around 8:00 PM to keep my sleep schedule on track, but I died around 2:30 despite my best efforts. I woke up again around 10:30, took a hot bath and a Percoset, and went back to sleep around midnight, waking up at 8:30 Sunday morning.

After I woke up, I went to Stake Conference and then Christopher invited me over to his house to roll up a Serenity RPG character. Buzzy, Alice, and Stew were also supposed to show (ultimately, Stew bailed). We didn't invite Eli because we suspected that he was in trouble with Ashley for the previous night (we would find out later that he wasn't). Once again a lot of the conversation centered around Stew and his ill-fated romance with Kris. I find it amusing the way they were reluctant to speak of it with me at all at first, but once they realized how much I knew, I was immediately thrust into the heart of all of the discussions. I suppose it makes a twisted sort of sense--as someone who crushed on her for months, even after she made it clear that she wasn't interested in being anything but friends, I have a unique perspective on what Stew is feeling and going through; I also know Kris better than anyone in our circle of friends except Stew. After discussing things a while, we realized that while Stew's main issue is the fact that he lets his emotions rule him (which isn't a bad thing, except in situations like these), Kristina's is that she's still in a state we generally refer to as being a "Stew groupie". Everyone who meets Stew for the first time can't help but be awed by him, and this usually takes a few meetings (or months) to wear off. Kris has known him for years and still feels that way. I pointed out that there's only one man in her life who can possibly compete with Stew in Kris' mind, and that's her father. She worships him, and always has. We resolved to call him, and get him on her side. After some creative searching on the internet, we dredged up her home phone number and Christopher placed the call. Her dad was already on our side, and we can only hope that when she goes home on the weekend of the first her parents will help convince her not to pursue this. Buzzy left around 8, but I didn't go home until after 1 AM--At total of six or seven hours. Christopher's house was officially dubbed a black hole.

The following weekend, Friday night was uneventful because my date fell through. On Saturday, we all went over to Eli's house after ARMA for a UFC Fight Night marathon. Four solid hours of fighting, plus lots of barbecued meat (Eli took his new grill on its maiden voyage). It was a great time. Buzzy had to leave around 5, and Mark and Maru soon thereafter, but the rest of us stayed on. Discussion was more of the same, with the addition of a long theological discussion and a shorter political discussion in the middle. The doctrinal discourse centered around the Plan of Salvation. I introduced my theory of divergent paths and multiple judgments to Christopher and it blew his mind. I'm always amazed how many people never put the pieces together to figure that out--even though it makes everything make more sense, and give you a much greater appreciation of the scope and power of the Plan.

Around 10:30 or 11, Stew showed up (stymied in his Cramer-esque entrance because we locked the door). After some small talk, we decided to start an "intervention" with Stew. We summarized all of our points against the relationship, especially the dangerous parallels between his relationship with Kris and his relationship with Meghan (his recently-divorced wife). Ashely was all for creating a "flow chart" for him to take home, but ultimately couldn't get her computer to work. We also covered the qualities he should look for in a wife, and it became educational for me as well--I'll post the list if I can get hold of it. I wonder if such a woman really exists.

Stew left around 3:00 AM, but the rest of us (the Eastwood collective, myself, and Eli and Ashley) stayed on until 7:30 or so, beating the previous week's record and clocking in at around 14 hours. Christopher didn't have room in his car for me, so I crashed on Eli's love sack for seven hours, until my mother's phone call woke me up around 3:30. Eli and Ashley got up a bit after 4, and after breakfast and two hours of CSI, I finally made it home around 6 PM--a ridiculous 28 hours at Eli's house. For the second week straight, I went to work Monday not quite sure what had happened to my weekend.

Date:	2007-03-24 16:08
Subject:	A Vignette from the Life of Michael
Security:	Public
Mood:	optimistic

This is the story of a phone number and a pack of gum whose fates were intertwined.

It was an average Monday and I was sitting at Table, probably doing Sudoku, talking to Allison, or some other of my normal Table activities. I reached into my pocket to pull out my pack of Orbit Whites, only to discover that I was out. So I got up and crossed the Terrace in search of a gum vendor who could replenish my supply.

Much to my surprise, as I walked past a table on the other side of the Terrace, out of nowhere a woman who I didn't know turned around and handed me a scrap of paper, before turning back to her friends. I accepted it, pocketed the small gift, and moved on. When I examined it after a moment, I saw that it was a hastily-torn corner of newspaper with a phone number scribbled on it in green pen. Confused and bemused, I pocketed this unexpected treasure and completed my mission (to procure minty, teeth-whitening goodness).

Now, there are doubtless some men who would think nothing of such an occurrence, but I should mention at this juncture that I'm not one of them. Women don't really ever give me their phone numbers unsolicited. While the last few weeks had included more than one unusual occurrence that could be attributed to the Axe Effect, they continue to surprise me. I'll admit that I was rather curious about this, since I had no idea who this person was, and only caught a brief glimpse of blond hair and a red dress. So I resolved to follow my standard operating procedure--wait a few days and then give it a call.

I initially intended to call two nights later, but when the time came I forgot until it was far too late in the evening. On Thursday morning, I considered giving her a call just before lunchtime and setting up some kind of encounter involving food, but became distracted by other things and scrapped the idea. And then a few hours later, after I went to catch a one-act play called -Harvey-, I dug through my pocket and discovered that the scrap of paper had vanished. I retraced my steps, but to no avail--the phone number was gone. I can only conclude that when I threw out the newly-empty Orbit Whites package (the same one I purchased on Monday) after lunch, the scrap of paper slipped inside the sleeve, and both made good their escape together.

I don't know who this girl was, or why she decided to hand me her number on Monday, and I probably never will. A pack of gum brought her into my life, and a pack of gum expelled her again.

Date:	2007-03-18 20:44
Subject:	More about Allie
Security:	Public
Mood:	quixotic

Okay, so I lied. This entry is not about the rest of my birthday. The next entry will be about movies and spending entirely too much time at friends' houses. For now, I want to talk about Allison some more. The last week has brought a number of changes to the situation, both ups and downs.

On Monday, I saw Allie again at Table, and in retrospect I might have come on too strong. I didn't reign in my impulses enough, and might have been too... clingy is the word, I suppose, though that wasn't my state of mind. However, there was probably more physical contact that she was expecting. That's kind of how I roll, and she as well, so as I'd later find out, it was more the nature of the touching than the touching itself that she took issue with (or something like that--read on). We went off eventually and wandered the bookstore. We kissed a few times (though I admit my heart wasn't in it, because she had just eaten lunch and hadn't chewed any gum yet, if you take my meaning). I didn't think anything of it at the time, but now I see that she was testing me (read on). In general, we both had a good time.

On Wednesday there was more of the same, and after a few hours, we went off to the big tree by the Smith Fieldhouse and sat on the grass and talked. I made her laugh a lot, etc. After a bit, she said "Can I ask you something kind of awkward?" Obviously, my immediate response was "No, I don't think so." After I moment I relented and told her to go for it. She hesitated a minute and then asked something like "Can I talk to you about something?" At this point I was morbidly curious, since I know from experience that women never hesitate like this except when they're going to say something that I don't want to hear. But I put an arm around her and told her to stop asking permission and spit it out. After a bit more coaxing, she launched into a halting explanation of how she was feeling about things between us. She said she regretted kissing me on Friday, adding further on that I was only the second guy she'd kissed at school and that she'd felt terrible about the first. She mentioned that she had a (nonmember) quasi-boyfriend back in Oregon, who she wasn't dating anymore but never officially broke up with either--and who still thinks that he'll marry her some day. She said that she wasn't looking for a relationship, and didn't want me to get the wrong idea. Finally, she was concerned that she didn't "feel anything" when she kissed me (I think that was why she instigated a kissing session on Monday, to test that). I accepted this information philosophically, and pointed out that I wasn't looking for a relationship either, and that I didn't expect to kiss her on Friday and understood her concerns. In other words, I was caught off guard and acted spineless. (Fortunately, the story didn't end there like it very well could have after such a poor performance.) While this might sound like break-up talk, it clearly wasn't. She said we could still date, but should set up some "rules", namely that we shouldn't kiss, and shouldn't hold hands except when on official dates. Cuddling was okay, as was hugging--again, we're both physical, tactile people. To put the finishing touch on my confusion, immediately after setting said rules, she sat there with her face a few inches from mine and started making the kissy face at me big time. Right. (For those of you not aware, the "kissy face" is the face that a woman makes when she wants a man to kiss her; it's different on every woman, but every woman has one, and men instinctively recognize it.) Finally, after we left the tree and I walked her to the Testing Center and gave her a good-bye hug, when I relaxed my arms after the appropriate time (you know, 3-5 seconds) and would have let her go, she held on longer. The hug was at least twice as long as a friendly hug ever is.

So I left this extraordinary occurrence not the least bit confused, but feeling like I should be doing something. I ran into Frank Gentile randomly on campus later, and after a bit of conversation, I mentioned that I was confused about a woman, and eventually explained the basic facts of the situation (in retrospect, I suppose I didn't need much coaxing, though it was a bit weird discussing such things with my former Priests' Quorum adviser). His advice to me was that I should just take it easy and let things happen. I should be patient and things would work out. I called Eli and then Kimberly later on. Eli gave me the same basic advice, mentioning again that Ashley initially told him that she could never date him, and two weeks later she kissed him and it was only a few months after that that she was wearing his ring. Kimberly also advised patience, adding that women never know what they want and that Allie was probably confused and afraid of a relationship. All three agreed on the fact that there was nothing at all that I should do, despite my male instincts to the contrary. I was ready to accept this, but then Christopher returned my call (at 23:30) and I thought I may as well talk to him about it as well--he's always given me good advice in the past, which I rarely followed and then regretted ignoring.

We met up on campus the next day, and spent two hours discussing things. Upon hearing the situation, his first instruction was to remove Allie from the equation. My primary concern, he said, should be me and what I wanted. Allie fits with that or doesn't as she wills, but I have to worry about me. I accepted that, and then he challenged my assertion that I wasn't looking for a relationship. I quickly came to realize that I was lying to myself--I did want a relationship, and all the reasons I had to the contrary (waiting until after BCT and AIT, for example) were feeble excuses that I didn't really believe. With that established, we moved on to a discussion of women and motives and whatnot. Women are generally confused, he agreed, and Allie was afraid, and was trying to keep my in limbo because that didn't require her to commit to anything. It was comfortable. He quoted Hitch and speculated that all of the excuses she produced were just little lies she was telling to herself to prevent her from having to deal with her feelings--she didn't really believe them and neither should I. However, now that I knew what I wanted, I needed to go after it. Either Allie was willing to consider a relationship, or I had a responsibility to myself to look for someone else. Basically, I needed to have a counter-DTR with her and establish my own thoughts and feelings. It wasn't necessary for her to commit to a relationship on the spot or any such thing, but she did need to accept the possibility and know that that was how I was planning to proceed. We discussed what I might say for a bit (for example, rather than acknowledging her excuses directly and thereby validating them, I should just say "I realize you have some issues you need to work out" and leave it at that), and other bits of strategy. Then we bought lunch and talked about other things (ARMA politics and such) for a bit and went our separate ways.

After this discussion, I felt great. I had an action I could take, and I knew viscerally that this was the right course of action. It meshed with everything I knew about women as well as what professionals said about such situations. It was right, it would work, and no one would have to get nailed to anything. This heralded a return to my upbeat mood of earlier in the week. I took a nap on the grass in the sun for a while, and I went and saw a Mask Club play ([i]A Lion in Winter[/i]) in the afternoon, something I plan to do regularly each semester, but never actually do. Life was good and I was good. I called Eli later to ask his opinion on Christopher's advice, and he said that his advice was based on my not looking for a relationship, and that if that was what I really wanted, Christopher was 100% right.

On Friday, we had a date to go to the 21:00 show of Divine Comedy. She paid for the tickets (I know, but I was broke and she technically bought them before she asked me), and I did my part by going early to secure a good spot in line--she was busy until 20:30, and you really have to show up at least an hour early if you want good seats. After some confusion about the location because they weren't performing in their normal on-campus venue, I arrived at about 20:15, but due to fortuitous circumstances managed to get an excellent position in line regardless. I had Edgar Allen Poe to read in line, as well as some talking points I had devised on what I was going to say later to study. She arrived a bit later and her behavior was completely different--I was utterly unprepared. She hugged me when she arrived of course, but almost her first words when she arrived were that I was quite handsome. The show was hilarious (with only a few misses), and throughout she was wanting to hold my hand, or cuddle, or both; she pressed her cheek against mine, and pulled out the kissy face again. After the show, she mentioned that she needed to get home and do homework, but it took little convincing to get her to go on a walk with me instead. Soon I discovered that he "no kissing" rule in actuality only applied to kissing on the mouth. Kissing anywhere else on the face was perfectly acceptable--nay, encouraged. This seems odd to me, considering the fact that I generally consider trailing kisses across a woman's face more intimate than kissing her on the mouth--but then, I also consider frenching to be more intimate than kissing on the neck, which she likewise reverses. So we meandered across campus, talking about random things and idly kissing, holding hands, etc., for about an hour before she said that she really needed to get home because she told someone she'd call them that night. We started walking in the general direction of her apartment, but it would be another hour before she actually got there (we arrived in the general proximity much sooner, but went back to meandering rather than her going inside).

Now we started talking about more intimate things. She started volunteering a lot of more intimate things about her past, which I won't record here except to say that they involved past relationships and the like. I reciprocated to some extent, but moved the conversation elsewhere after a bit (that kind of talk is fine for hanging out, but isn't date conversation material). Eventually, she gave me pretty much the perfect opening for what I planned to say: "So, why did you kiss me?" (This was in reference to something that I mentioned on Wednesday, that I didn't kiss on the first date and didn't expect Friday's events at all.) I decided to go for it. I don't know exactly what I said, but it was something like this (from my pre-game notes):

I appreciate your openness with me on Wednesday. I've been considering what we talked about, and I have a few things I need to add. I understand that you have some issues that you need to work out right now, and I respect that. However, your words got me thinking about what I wanted, and what I realized is that when I said I wasn't interested in a relationship, I wasn't being entirely honest with you--or with myself. I am definitely interested in finding a woman that I can have a relationship with. I like you a lot. You said that we don't really know each other well, and that's completely true--but I like what I've seen so far, and I'd definitely like to get to know you better. Without trying to put pressure on you, I think that we could have a good relationship. I'm willing to proceed with this however you feel you need to, but I need to know that it has the possibility of going somewhere. Because there is something going on between us. The fact is, you did kiss me, and I kissed you back, even though neither of us went into it expecting that to happen. I want to see where this goes...

Date:	2007-03-13 15:08
Subject:	Me Day 2007
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy

Last Friday was my twenty-fourth birthday. In recent years I haven't really celebrated my birthday at all. My mother buys me presents each ninth of March, of course, but other than that it has been a day like any other. Last year I deviated from this pattern somewhat in taking Kris out to lunch for our first official date. This year, however, I decided that I wanted to do something real. So I made lunch plans with Allie to have lunch (in the Skyroom, which is, ironically, the same place I took Kris last year), and arranged for to go out with my friends and see a movie and hang out that night. I was quite looking forward to it.

Allie is a girl who I met maybe a month ago through mutual friends--the people I generally sit with on the Terrace each afternoon while eating lunch, doing my Sudoku puzzles, and possibly catching a brief nap (which is what I was doing the first time she showed up and was introduced around). This institution is referred to simply as Table, and though I was introduced to it by my former girlfriend Lorraine, I've been going fairly steadily even though she's long gone from this state. A few of the staple Table-members met her in their Arthurian Lit class, and invited her to come hang out at Table. The first time she arrived, I confess that I had one cheek on the table and my angle of sight as I mumbled something in response to my name wasn't a very flattering one--she didn't seem like anything special at all. However, subsequent Table sessions convinced me that I was completely wrong in my assessment, and that she was actually quite attractive. Add to that the fact that she was funny, intelligent, and refreshingly open--and fond of giving people hugs--and to say that I was "interested" would be rather an understatement.

A bit more history: the day I really met her (meaning, while I was fully awake), we ended up going to the MOA (Museum of Art Cafe) to have lunch together. It wasn't anything planned--I was wondering out loud what I should buy for lunch, and she decided that she was craving croissants, and needed a companion to go with her to get some. that solved my problems, so I volunteered and we set out. It was fun and we enjoyed each others' company, and that pretty much broke all of the ice between us. In the next few weeks I ended up giving her several back rubs--the first time was an open question if anyone at Table was willing; that first one provoked the comment "you may be my favorite person", and from then on she specifically requested my services. (I'm not the best there ever was, I realize, but I picked up several tricks from Kris during our debacle, and I can put them to good use.) She returned the favor a few times as well, but in general I specifically refrained from focusing on her during conversation at Table. I've learned a few things since I dated Lorraine, you see, and now I know that too much attention is a turn-off, and deep down they would rather you keep them guessing. But anyway, my "casual" invitation to Allie to join me on my annual Me Day lunch was really anything but.

We met up at noon and headed up to the seventh-floor Skyroom restaurant, and were quickly seated and contemplating our menus. Aside from the fact that it was a busy day, so we worked our way through two loaves of bread before our waitress finally appeared and took our orders (Allie decided that the best way to get her attention was to build a tower out of table-top items, and this actually seemed to work, since she appeared like ten seconds into the project). Lunch went off without a hitch, as we discussed everything and nothing. At some point during the meandering conversation, movies were mentioned, and she announced that Dr. Stangelove was the funniest movie ever made. She went on to ask if I had any plans after lunch (I didn't), and she proposed we go to the library and watch it in one of the private screening rooms in the LRC (Learning Resource Center). I agreed, and after lunch we headed over there. All in all, I call the curse of the Skyroom (which it manifested after I took Kris there) broken, and will no longer feel nervous about taking women there.

The movie was good, I have to agree--ridiculous and hilarious. In addition, during the course of the two hours or hour and a half or whatever it was, we went from sitting side by side, to cuddling, to holding hands, to (as the credits rolled) a tickle-fight that ended in her kissing me. To say I was surprised would be an understatement--I wasn't expecting anything of the sort on what was, after all, our first date (though I suppose it didn't seem like it). But there it was, she shot in and kissed me, and then backed off and looked me in the eye. I answered her challenge by going in myself, and the next twenty to thirty minutes went by entirely too fast. Now, let me interject something here. I'm no stranger to women, and I've got my tricks; I know how to caress her hand in such a way that she gives me the other one and cuddles closer; I know how to tease her with kisses until she grabs my face and takes the kiss she really wants. However, this was definitely the first time I ever french kissed a girl. (What can I say? The one girl I would have tried it on was a bit of a prude.) I've obviously been interested in trying it out for some time now, but I definitely wasn't going to pull that on the first date. However, when she went for it, all of my hesitation evaporated. She later complimented me on my kissing, which I guess makes me a fairly quick study.

After that unknown period of time (between fifteen and thirty minutes) elapsed, we regretfully decided that they'd want their room back, and made ready to leave (which was difficult because neither of us wanted to stop). We made it out of the library and wandered around campus a bit, talking some more and stopping in the bookstore, the law school bridge, and a few other places. Eventually she raised the always-uncomfortable question of what I thought the events in the library signified. I played my cards close to the chest (see, I am learning), and said that I wasn't sure, but that I'd definitely like to go out with her again. This seemed to be the right answer, because afterwards she explained that she'd gone on dates with RMs in the past who assumed that even basic physical contact had some deep significance and wanted to get serious way too fast. Last place we went was my favorite climbing tree (again, the meandering conversation ranges all over the place), and then I had to run and meet a friend who was giving me a ride to the next phase of Me Day.

I've got to go do something else now, so I'll leave the telling of Part II of Me Day for my next entry. To finish telling this particular story, we met up again at Table yesterday, and I was a bit nervous on how things would have changed between us. To my great relief, they seem to have changed not at all. Well, maybe a bit, but in good ways. Talking was still easy and relaxed, I gave her a back rub, she preempted me by asking me out this Friday (to the Divine Comedy show), and eventually we wandered off to pick up some stuff at the university store (where I kissed her a few more times, and we held hands a bit as we walked). I thought about going to see her at work today, but managed to restrain myself (the whole bit about too much attention again). Definitely looking forward to seeing her at Table tomorrow.